THOUGHTS AT THREE A.M.

I JUST SAW AN AD THAT SHOULD SCARE YOU TO PIECES!

It said, "Choose the amount of your loan! No credit check required!" Doesn't that strike fear in your heart? Make you wonder, what do they want for collateral? Your first born child? Your home? I am in the habit of going through credit card offers and such with the greatest care, and the less said, the more they have to hide!

OUI?

"MR. GREY BEARD" OR THAT MAN WITH GREY HAIR!

The first one starts out like a sporting event. Two announcers, one black, one white, holding microphones,doing a running commentation on the action behind them. A good looking man goes into a night club,and the camera focuses on him as he makes progress to a lovely young lady, who gives him a sour expression, and turns away from him. A buzzer sounds, and the commentators say "Uh-oh! Rejected!"

Then, we are treated to the solution to the "problem", as the man colors his beard with a little brush,and darkens his grey beard with a special hair coloring for men! We are told that in as little as five minutes, his grey is all gone! Once again he goes to the night spot, and when miss sour puss sees him now, she smiles, hugely, grabs him, throws herself on him,and kisses him,and the commentators now say" Home run!"

This commercial is so offensive on so many different levels,I hardly know where to start. But, let's begin with the  basic premise, of social interaction between men and women as being some kind of sport, and in order to be a "winner", the man has to get the first girl that appeals to him. This notion is degrading to both the man and woman alike. It doesn't deal with the idea that perhaps the lady is there with another man, or that she may be married or engaged,and it certainly doesn't address the possibility that she may be all wrong for him, or vice-versa. No. There is no chance for them to get to know one another. It implies,that this woman is so shallow that she takes one look at him,and soley on the basis of his grey beard,he isn't good enough for her. So, knowing exactly what the turn-off was, he darkens his beard, and five minutes later, she sees his new and improved visage,and instantly falls in love with him. Well! Any woman who is so easily swayed from utter rejection to complete wanton abandon in a public place,over the color of a man's beard has a screw loose, and isn't to be trusted! And any man who hooks up with a woman like that is bound to be getting a good dose of an STD! That man could have taken that same five minutes, and shaved his beard off,and removed the problem just as easily, and just as well, and then used his head and rejected the woman, in favor of another woman.

Then, there is the commercial of a man waking up,and finding himself alone, and wondering if people notice his grey hair. The scene is grey, his clothes are grey,and it is a dismal overcast day. For this man to not be depressed would be difficult. But, all of a sudden, he decides to color his hair, and miraculously, the sun comes out, you can see the color of his eyes,and skin, and he starts smiling,and everyone around him smiles at him too. It is a pathetic ploy for the makers of this hair preparation to make out as though men have anything to worry about when they start graying. Unlike women, men usually start slowly graying at the temples,and most women regard this as a distinguishing mark,a sign of maturity,and yes,even virility. I'm not saying that some men might want to color their hair, so I suppose they should be made and offered for sale. But if you think that these commercials are going to cause men to rush out and buy your wares, then they are stupid...as are you!

OUI?

THE LATEST CROP OF ANNOYING COMMERCIALS,AND A NOD TO THE ONES I LIKE!

#1. On my list,any commercial which has to reference herpes,or lists as possible complications things that are worse than an outbreak, such as headaches,nausea, vomiting...etc. More annoying, or at the very least,equally,is the advice that you should tell your doctor if you are HIV positive,before starting on a pill for herpes. WEll,Duh! Shouldn't your regular doctor be advised of this little detail LONG before any mention of herpes comes up? And what about this nitwit couple, anyway? He's got herpes,and she doesn't, and they are trying to keep it that way? Hello? Okay, I know they are just trying to sell you a pill, but doesn't abstinence come in there, anywhere? Or do the ad-makers consider us just all animals in rutt,completely oblivious to the notion that getting the news of having an STD, for which there is no cure, just might take the wind out of our free-love making sails for a while?

#2.This one is like number one, in that it's related to sex. I am sick, Sick, I tell you, of hearing about ED. I know, I know, men have a melt-down should anyone ever challenge their ability to perform.Well, maybe it's about time they stopped focusing on that particular performance, and came back down to earth, and did something of value, that makes them a better person. Like, learning how to carry on an intelligent   conversation, Read a book on manners that teaches how to be a charming companion, or an amusing host,or went out of their way to do something for someone else, with no thought as to any reward for doing it. Now, I am aware that the good Lord made us with certain urges, to keep the species alive,and yet, so many approach the subject as though the future of the human race depends totally on Them! Why advertisers would choose to carry over this attitude in attempting to sell their product is beyond me, unless all men think this way, and it's the only way to reach their prime market.

#3.Well, the effort to separate income-tax refunds from their rightful owners is in full swing,and everything, from cars to furniture is going for a song...(to hear them tell it) and of course, the most reasonably priced cars are foreign. What. A. Shock! Okay,so it's not made in the USA! It's still a great deal!( Yeah, right) Whoa there Barnzoid! You're an American, remember? Our Big three are having a tough time. Isn't it about time you thought about supporting your country, instead of selling us out for a few hundred bucks? Besides that, if you let things continue the way they're going, then the bumper snicker will be true...{ HUNGRY? EAT YOUR FOREIGN CAR!} Buy American!! Even if the foreign car companies now have plants based in the U.S., the lions share of that money goes to the old country!

#4.The food! May the good Lord help us, there are food ads everywhere. Huge double and triple decker burgers, dropped from great heights flop and bounce on the stage, and drip sauce everywhere. Does that look appetizing to you? Sorry fellas, to me this is enough to gross me out. Blah! Shrimp and Lobster, swimming in butter, or drowning in white sauce doesn't tempt me either.Then there's the pasta deals, with salad, soup and never ending pasta bowls, where you can try every sauce ever invented,but enough is enough.One bowl, maybe two if I'm really starving, but after that, your just filling up on pasta, and that is not a balanced diet! {groan} Oh, but then there's the Subway commercial, where the man and woman are trying to tell us that the reason his wallet is so full, is because they started eating at Subway. Well, that might be a fresh idea for one evenings meal, but I can't stomach an exaggerated cold meat sandwich night after night...or even day after day! Too much bread, too much greasy meat, and they always put too much condiments on, no matter what they say, or how you plead with them to please just put a tiny bit of mustard, and a little swipe of mayo on it, they just overdo it! yuck! And then finally, the nitwit that runs around with the pepper grinder,putting it on the bacon, and they go, the bacon cheeseburger, with pepper bacon,only at so and so's. Well, good! Thanks for the warning, I'll be sure not to go there!

#5. Now, for the commercials that I like! Uh. Hm. Okay, there's that Staples commercial, where the newbie has an ink cartridge in his hand, and says, it's empty, and one of the guys says, just shake it. So the kid puts down the cartridge,and picks up the whole printer,and just shakes the heck out of it! It always makes me laugh out loud! In fact, all the Staples ads with the "Easy" button tickles me. I've got to get one of those easy buttons one of these days !

Then there's the Maxwell house coffee commercial, and although most of the participants are just nice singers,with nice little voices, there is one lady with an amazing voice! I wait for it, because she just thrills me! Now, all she sings is "OUR HOUSE!" But this is one little black lady with a finely tuned instrument of a voice,and she could give Jennifer Hudson a real run for her money! She's beautiful,inside and out, just beautiful!

So, that's my list so far. What are your most  annoying, and most favorites? I'll add more as I think of them!

OUI?

LOOKING TO USE THIS NEW BIRTH CONTROL...UVA RING?

I don't know if you have seen this commercial. I myself have tried to avoid it, by making mad dashes for the bathroom as quickly as possible, but I am usually just missing out on the new ad for the Gaither's upcoming live concert, and am still at the table chopping celery when the uva-ring ad comes on. So, you can't time these things. But if you've been paying attention at all, now there is a new added attraction to this wonderful thing. The side effects for this carefree little marvel are rather severe! Blood-clots, stroke and even death can occur...and if I am hearing this right, also heart attacks in persons...(surely they mean women) who have no history of heart problems.

That is pretty serious stuff to get from a new product that is advertised with little white pills falling from the sky like rain, only to bounce off your blue umbrella.What irritates me, is the ads look like this little ring is just as safe and effective as anybody could hope for. Like a walk in the park. In fact, don't you find it rather scary that anything that you take internally to prevent pregnancy is potentially harmful to your personal body? I do. But, we all must make our own decisions about what we will do on this most private issue.

Myself, I have found a method that is safe, clean, completely 100% effective,and there are no side-effects! There are two parts to my method, and they are both very inexpensive. One is, I take pains to make absolutely certain that I am never alone in a compromising position with a member of the opposite sex, to whom I am not married. That narrows the field down considerably! Two is, the word "NO!"

You'd be amazed how well this works!

OUI?

McDONALD'S $5 MILLION MONOPOLY GAME! WHY CAN'T THEY BE REALISTIC?

I know before I even say anything there are some people who will say, they do it just to get our attention. Well, they got my attention alright! Here is a young couple, with their baby in tow, going through a mansion with the real estate agent,and they pause at the foot of the sweeping grand staircase,and she tells them the price is Five Million dollars, and asks if they have financing in place,and in response, the man digs out his four little railroad tickets...his winning tickets from McDonalds! Then on the screen, it shows the winnings from his tickets are exactly, $5 mill. Okay? If they stopped it right there, I might be able to accept this as a pipedream that says, hey, if you play, you might win, and be able to buy that house of your dreams. But no, they carry it out to the nth degree,and go off into an alternate reality that implies  that this agent is going to giggle and say Okay! and totally accept this as earnest money completely overlooking the fact that just because she said it was priced at Five Million, that that is all it's going to cost somebody to get into that house. Or, that she believes that these winning tickets are going to add up to the whole Five million dollars in his hot little hand, without loosing some of that money to the IRS for taxes! This commercial is insulting to our intelligence,assuming we are ignorant enough to take our five million dollars, and go out and buy a five million dollar house! Everybody knows you would have to pay taxes, furnish and insure the house, pay utilities, hire a staff, and pay for maintenance and upkeep,plus silly stuff, like clothes and food for your family! So my question is, why do they do that? Why do they portray this young man and woman as being so idiotic as to think that just because they have won all this money, supposedly, that they would run right out and promise to spend every dime on one piece of property? Are we to assume that this little mother is independently wealthy, and they have no need for ready cash to buy diapers and baby bottles or formula? Or that by the way this man is dressed, we can tell he is of the upper crust and so "GQ" he has no need for a decent wardrobe or a  nice car? I didn't get that impression...did you? No? So who do they think we are, just a bunch of hicks that fell off the turnip truck and will start dreaming how we will spend our winnings the next time we drive-Thru for our sandwich and fries and coke? The truth is, Yeah, that is exactly what they think we will do, and who we are! That in hopes of winning all that money, we will just hustle right on over to their stores and just stuff ourselves with their high-carb, greasy fattening food,and slurp down all those sugary drinks,and munch out on those fruit pies, and let our kids do it too, all in hopes of winning some  money with which to make all our pipe dreams come true!

Now that is insulting!

OUI?