Order and correctness. Where am I? Who am I? I do it from the moment my day begins.From the time I open my eyes and begin to look around, I am in constant pursuit of of them. The way my bed is spread,and my pillows are stacked. The articles on my bedside table, and the way they are arranged. Have they been moved? Is something missing? I glance quickly from area to area, often with a mental musical exclamation of sudden rapid movement, and then once I am reassured all is as it should be, I move right along to the next area. Often I awake with a cough, or a general need to be up and out of the bed, heading for the bathroom,and yet still along the way I find myself doing my mental inventory.
As paranoid as this all may sound, I don't believe it is anything outside of the normal behavior of someone whose been put through a lifelong position of responsibility and a total need to fulfill everything placed on their shoulders. You can't know what it feels like to have a young, strong, healthy, curious child in the house with you, who wants to be up and doing at the crack of dawn, and you are a person who rarely rises before noon....and there is no one else in the house to look out for things. One learns to grow up and change lifetime actions quickly.
So soon changes become signs and signals. A thing out of place is a tip-off of a possible impending disastar. A piece of food on the floor, may just be careless housekeeping...or it could mean that something else is being done behind your back. And the search goes on. Am I at home, or still in the hospital?
Well, so far it looks as though I am finally at home, but I have to pry my eyes open, and unglue my breathing...and sooner or later I will discover if the sounds I hear are from the window, or the television. Eventually someone will come in response to my call for help, and I will be able to have a breathing treatment,and a drink of water, and answers to all my questions....and about the time I am able to choke down a sip of coffee, I will be reassured that I am home!!
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