I don't know which makes me more angry. The parents who can't or don't talk to their kids about things that bother them, or the ones that whine that they are afraid to tell their kids something because they will be mad at them! Naturally, up to a certain age, you don't tell your children when you are worried about bills, or some of the other plain realities of life, because they are too young to take it in, or appreciate the fact that mom and dad are people with problems just like everybody else. But beyond that, children are amazingly resilient and understanding when you tell them, " I'm sorry, but we just don't have enough money to do that this time." I mean, it's not like your telling them you are a murderer or a drug pusher if you have to admit that you are broke. And yet, I have watched people lie to their kids, and go through all kinds of rounds to get enough money together to buy some new video game...or a whole new system the child has their heart set on for their birthday, and go without themselves, rather than tell the child the truth. Well, sorry to say this, but I can't be friends with people like that anymore. It's too painful to watch, and it brings out a side in some that I just can't abide. Not only do they become deceitful and manipulative, but they reach a point where even breaking the law is no big deal, as long as they can get what they want. Doubly painful, because they are setting themselves up for real heartache later on in life. Sooner or later, the truth is bound to come out,and when it does, that child will not be the slightest bit impressed, other than to think that mom or dad is an easy mark,and all that matters is what "I" want, and mom or dad will be there with the cash, no matter what they have to do to get it. This is not a good thing. This is a very,very bad thing. The people I am thinking about went all the way around Robin Hood's barn to make money to keep their kids in the lifestyle to which they aspired. They didn't have the money in the bank, but they would kite checks to get the money, to spend for that toy! They would cheat the landlord,saying they didn't have enough on their paycheck to pay the rent,and then run right out and spend that rent money on some foolishness for the kid. Meanwhile, Yon son and I would be limping along on my income to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, and his birthdays weren't always spectacular,but he always had a sense of security knowing we weren't going to be evicted for non-payment of rent, or arrested for theft, or find ourselves without food. And it didn't matter to him what he got for his birthday, whether it was a card and a toy, or a big party with lots of presents, because he always knew he had love. Over the years, he and I have seen these families and their little secretive games being played out, and it has always been an object lesson for him, and taught him to be grateful that when I would worry about money,and not being able to give him all those wonderful things I knew he wanted,that I would sit down with him and say," Honey, this is the way it is. This is what I got on my check, this is what is going out for this and this and this,and this is what I have left to spend on your birthday." Sometimes he would whoop for joy,and his eyes would come out on three inch stalks,and we would laugh and be happy. And, sometimes, he would hug me,and pat my shoulder and say, "That's okay mommy. Don't cry. Whatever you give me for my birthday will be fine,and I will love it, because I know you love me. We are together. That's the important thing." I learned early on that the one thing you don't do is promise something and then break it. I never broke a promise to him, because I never made promises I couldn't keep. I believe it is this open frankness that has made our relationship so rewarding, and has caused other parent /child relationships to be so dreadful, because this one thing has been lacking. And, sadder yet, the whole relationship does not change when the child becomes an adult. In my families relationship it has been great, but sorry to say, in others it has not turned out so well. Those who went to the mat to scrape up money to spoil their kids, now find they still have a spoiled kid. Now, however,it is no longer a question of just fancy birthday presents and expensive everything. Now, it's a case of, I have to have this money on hand, just in case she calls and needs me to bail her out of jail,or pay her fines, or give them money for their kids birthday presents, or they will be mad at me! Say what? Excuse me? Well now, wait a minute. Who is the parent, and who is the child here? If they are old enough to have kids of their own, then they should be responsible for their own birthday gifts, bail money and fines,and who cares if they are mad at you? What ever happened to mom or dad being mad at them for getting themselves into trouble? Like any other parent, I would be hurt and upset if Yon son called me from jail (knock on wood,God forbid!) and needed me to come up with money to bail him out. I would be awfully worried about him being in such a terrible place, but he knows as well that I don't have the kind of money to bail him out, and if he were stupid enough, or unlucky enough to get himself arrested, he would have to look someplace else for his bail. And if and when he did make bail and come home with an attitude, expecting me to cry and be oh so sorry I didn't raise the money for him, he would find himself vastly disappointed to hear the earful I would be giving him! My son,mad at me? That'll be the day! He wouldn't dare pull a stunt like that,and he knows it! There would a mushroom shaped cloud right over my house,and the neighbors would be running the other direction, just to avoid getting involved in the fall-out! So, believe me when I say that it just makes me grind my teeth to hear these parents wimp out and knuckle under to their kids. I know I have heard a lot about role reversal between parent and child,and I would be lying through my teeth if I pretended that it never happened in my life. There were times when my mother needed my help dreadfully, and I gave it, freely and happily, out of love. There have been times since Yon son has been an adult that he has helped me tremendously,and the attitude has been the same. That is what families do,and there is nothing more important than family.
But for a child to turn on their parents, or singular, mother or father, and treat them as though they owe them something for being born, that is just wrong,and to my way of thinking, not to be borne. And if the child isn't smart enough, or well bred enough to know these things, then the parent should at least have the back-bone enough to stand up to that brain-damaged young whelp and put them in their place, and not let it go,because when off-spring are allowed to run over the top of their parents unchecked, that is when elder abuse takes place. First you shrug it off when your kids raise their voice to you, and then they get bold and raise their hand to you! And all it really takes, is a parent who, from little on, had control over their child enough to say, " How dare you speak to me that way? I am your mother! Now settle your act down and use a civil tone of voice, or leave, Now!" And then, if they do leave, you have probably saved yourself from watching your child turn into an animal. What a terrible prospect. But nine times out of ten, that child will be reminded of who they are,and who you are, and will sit down and behave themselves.
Now there is another side of this coin that needs to be addressed, but,thank goodness, it is not my sort of problem, but I see it amongst Sherry's friends all the time, and it is this. A parent, getting on in years, widowed, or widower, who is seeing someone who is never mentioned or discussed in front of the person's children. I'm not gong to tell them about my boyfriend, or girlfriend, because they would not like it,and would tell me to stop seeing them. What? Excuse me again, but whose life is this, anyway? I cannot fathom what it is with some older folks, wanting their children's approval. Do they think that if they take up with the wrong man or woman, that their children will no longer love them? Doubtful. Do they imagine they won't be allowed to see their grandchildren? Perhaps, but highly unlikely. Although, there have been instances where the adult children do try to wield power over their parent's heads with these sorts of silly threats, generally those attempts at juvenile tantrum-like behaviors tend to vanish when Mother shows up on the doorstep, with "Uncle Bob" in tow, with an armful of goodies at Thanksgiving or Christmas,and the grandchildren run screaming "Grama!" towards her,and fling their arms around her! In the face of that scene, is the daughter then going to order her mother and her boyfriend out of the house? No. Not unless she is prepared to live with some very unpleasant names her children will then label her with. It's called, calling her bluff,and it works, 90% of the time. On the off chance that it doesn't, of course, there is always Mrs. Ah's perfect, works-every-time parting shot,One of those I'm-so-glad-she -never- used- it- on- me-things, just before she flings her cape over her shoulder, and stalks out the door in high dudgeon! She would fix you with a blue-green steely eye, and in ringing, though somber tones intone:
"How sharper than a serpent's tooth, is an ungrateful child!"
That always brought any childish tantrum threats to a screeching halt, toot-sweet!
OUI?
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