In following a referrer back,I found this title. There is much to address on this subject,and so, once again, we go down memory lane. Hm.There is no delight in this topic, however, I have some insight to offer to any woman who has occasion to speak these words. The first being, the pain in your heart, the tightness in your chest,and the burning anger within you won't last forever, unless you nurse a grudge. I don't feel happy in calling up these memories, but I do feel comfortable in using my experience, to pass along to you some words of wisdom and comfort. The very first time I thought those words to myself, I was stunned,and in utter disbelief, but that wasn't the hard part. That came later, when I realized it was true. I grew up in the kind of family where things like that just didn't happen. My parents were totally devoted to each other, and too busy keeping their heads above water to even consider straying. In fact, until I was allowed to date at sixteen, it never even crossed my mind that married people did that to each other. I happened to be on a double date with a girl from school, who asked me when our dates were out of the car at the drive-in, does your mom ever step out on your dad? Oh, of course not, I said,when I finally understood the question. She got a very sad look on her face and then smiled softly and said, only...that's nice. That exchange came back to me the day I knew that my husband had a girlfriend, and I looked down at my baby, and thought, what kind of a home are you going to grow up in? If I can't trust him now, what is going to happen in the future? That was the day that a lot of my innocence died, along with my trust in men. Since then, I have found out a lot of things about marriage,and how to keep it going. Mainly, it depends upon what is important to you, and just how gullible you want to appear to be, to listen to his lies and pretend to believe them, until he gets tired of his latest girl,and comes back to your side, until the next time. Is the home and support he offers you enough to keep you playing the role of the dutiful wife, or are your values so strong, it doesn't matter how awful he acts, your in it for the long haul? Forgetting for the moment that he has broken his vows, do you keep yours anyway? Or, are you still in that knee-jerk reactive mode, where you hate her for being a home-wrecker? If you are busy hating her, then you have to get serious now, and think. She didn't do it to you. In fact, she probably didn't even know he was married when the whole thing started, but he did! See, a married man who cheats on his wife doesn't just hurt one woman, he hurts two, unless she is a manipulative co-worker sleeping her way to the top. Most men have a very neat way of compartmentalizing things. It didn't mean anything, because I don't love her, I love you, kind of thing. Sex, to them, is just a physical act, to relieve them of pressure,and has little or nothing to do with love....well, anyway, that's what they say, and it's up to you if you believe it. As you know, we women think completely differently about sex,and think all sorts of things, such as is she prettier than I am? Did I change,and lose something he has found in her? It is impossible to go through all the questions that went through my head, but that all stopped, when I saw her,and met her. At first, I was afraid to meet her, but once I saw her, I couldn't wait to speak to her. My husband and I were talking about the situation on our way home from the grocery store one day, and as we drove by a bunch of kids, he said, there she is,and pointed her out. I smiled at him,and said, your kidding me, right? He did not smile back.No, he said, that was her. He even told me her name. We continued on home,and once there, I told him I had to go back to the store, because I had forgotten something. He took the groceries on into the house, and I drove away. As I drove back down the street where we had spotted her, I couldn't help thinking how strange this was. Here I was a grown woman, with a baby, and here was this little 16 year old school girl, wearing bobby socks and tennis shoes, who unabashedly walked down the street with her arms full of books, coat flapping open, hair every which way, prominent teeth sticking out, laughing and snorting through her freckled nose,and eating gooey candy bars, with chocolate all over her face and hands. This was no tearing beauty, as I had supposed. His girlfriend was a child, awe-struck that an older man found her interesting. Far from being angry with her, I felt sorry for her. He had obviously been looking for someone to fool around with, and had gotten another guy to introduce them. Once he had made her acquaintance, he poured on the charm, and the rest was all his own idea. I pulled up in front of her just as she was unwrapping yet another candy bar, dropped the window,and called to her,"Hey! You want a ride home?" She looked up and I could see she recognized the car,and then squinted to see who was talking to her. Then she smiled, and said, "sure!" got in the car,and slammed the door. There was a trick to opening and closing that door, but she knew it, so I knew I had the right girl.No telling how many times she had been in our car. I asked which way, and she told me, and we were off. Where I pulled up she had just been about to turn the corner, so if I had been a minute later, I would have missed her. I would never have thought to go in that direction to look for her. We were headed in an area of town that one didn't go unless one knew people there.We chatted for a minute about how chilly it was, and I turned the heat up, because she was fairly blue with the cold. Then she said, are you his sister? He told me he had sisters...I said, no, I'm Feather, his wife. Her eyes got huge! WWHHHAAAT? She'd had no idea. We became friends, I forgave her,and that supposedly was the end of that romance, but no one can be sure. I was glad to have that out of my way,and off my mind,and slowly that anger in my chest and throat began to unknot and go away, but I knew I wasn't prepared to go through the rest of my life contending with that nonsense all the time.
The point is this. You must face reality, and forgive her, and then,forgive him, but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck with an unfaithful man. I tried to work it out with my husband, but he was determined to have another woman on the side, and in light of the fact that he took vows he had no intention of keeping,the pastor who married us advised me to go ahead and divorce him, two years after the incident I just related to you. It wasn't easy, but in view of how God views adultery, and the fact that my husband brought home an STD to me, I knew then that I couldn't continue to take chances with my life and health, just to indulge my "love" for him,not to mention how different my child would be now, had he grown up with his male parent's influence in his life on a daily basis. Consider the situation from all sides,and then do what is best for you, and if you have any children, definitely, keep their welfare in mind also.
Any man, or woman,who sullies the marital bed with strange partners is asking for far more trouble than they realize. Don't wait until the man from the board of health comes to your door, asking if you knew anyone you might have had sex with that had this or that sexually transmitted disease. They make you tell them everyone you've been to bed with,and won't tell you who the person was until you run out of names. Fortunately, there was only one person I could tell the man about, and that was my husband. Even so, I was so humiliated I blushed to my hairline,and burst into tears,and he apologized to me all the time he was driving me to the hospital for a test,and a shot,and told me how glad he was that this string of people ended with me. And, I imagine you can guess that was the last straw for me. Never again did my husband touch this little duck!
OUI?
Posted by: Kilter | June 22, 2006 at 06:26 AM