I dare say that all who have read the first installment of my parenting tirade have read and digested part 1, so now, it is time for part two. Also, I have had some requests for guidance on manners.If you want to delve into my credentials for handing out such advice, I defer to my boss. He is a Jewish carpenter, and really has it all together when talking about raising kids,because he was right there all along the way when I was raising mine,the only one who is my natural born child, Yon son.I have many foster kids, adoptive kids,and child wannabes, but just one that I actually gave birth to.I hope that settles that question, but if not, leave me a comment, or e-mail me, and we can talk more.
So.Manners. I would think that the reason behind teaching manners would be obvious, but just in case you have any doubts, let's review a few facts.Point#one, children, by their very nature are born into this world completely dependent, stupid,and dumb.As they grow, it is your job to train them in the ways of the world, of which they are ignorant.Okay, I pulled the punch there, so lets let down our guard and call a spade a spade.Babies are cute and cuddly, and we love them, but they all have something in common that most won't own up to, but I will.That little morsel of humanity that you gaze at with such love and affection is a little savage.It is your job to train it to be pleasant to be around.Point # two, if you don't do it, no one else will.It is not the baby-sitters job to potty train them, it is not the pre-school "teacher's" job to teach them" please and thank you," it is yours, so don't go foisting it off on anyone else.
Manners goes so far beyond Please and Thank you,that it's not even in the same ball-park. Those words can be taught to any child, by anyone, anytime, almost effortlessly, so don't think that once little Tommy or Alice is mannerly once they have come out with them. True manners comes only by constant exposure to it's use in front of the child, and a following through once training truly begins,and this, at an early age.What is the correct age to begin teaching a child manners? Well, by demonstration, I would say as soon as they begin to notice what is going on around them, about 6 months. In practical terms, as soon as they begin to talk, or walk, which ever comes first.Please and thank you, as soon as they can talk. Intensively, the child does NOT get what they want until they say PLEASE! This may come out sounding more like" peas", but if they are incapable of saying it perfectly at first, you can help them clean it up later.If you thought please was hard, then you will not enjoy "thank you" until you make a game of it.As soon as you give them the asked for thing, whether it is food,(usually that is what works best) or a toy, as soon as the child begins to take ahold of whatever it is, you must hang on to it, and say FOR them " thank you", and then say," Say thank you"and don't let go of it for them to enjoy until they come up with some sort of a response, usually something like " bik U" or Fank U". Let it go at that, and praise them to the skies! Then you must treat them like a pet bird, and repeat it over and over and over, until it becomes something they do without prompting, praising them every time, and really going all out when they do it on their own! When this has been accomplished, then we begin intensive training called, Proper responses. Because the bulk of what you are doing is teaching proper responses, this training will literally take years.Why? Simply put, because you must not only teach them to mouth the correct words, but you must also somewhere along the line, help them to develop the emotions that go along with the words.Please, isn't just a magic word that gets them the banana. It is a heartfelt plea, as is Thank you! The hitch with teaching manners is, some parents teach the words, and forget that words mean things. Somewhere inside that child is a soul and a personality that needs to learn compassion and empathy, and you have got to reach that part of them,or words like "I'm sorry" will trip off their tongue with no remorse, and no feeling for the individual to whom they offer their apology. It also involves thinking before they speak.The child may have learned all the right canned responses, but that won't help them when they find themselves in a situation where they must speak from actual emotion, unless you have done your job, and fine tuned their ability to read the situation, feel for the person, and offer a sympathetic action, or reaction. Learning damage control won't help them, if they walked off when they should have stayed to help, and the result wasn't just rudeness, but actual damage! When I speak of rudeness, I am referring to actions that not only denote lack of concern for a persons feelings, but sometimes tremble on the brink of crime.Asking if they may take an apple from the fruit bowl while a guest in someones home is necessary for good manners. Taking a banana instead can be not only rude, but theft. Arriving at someones doorstep without calling first can be rude, unless it is an emergency situation. Walking in without being invited can be not only rude, but downright nasty...and again, close to home invasion.
There is no way I can cover all the fine points of manners in one or even two blogs. For me to try would be folly, and probably boring as well. But before I close out this post, I should mention two things most necessary for your child to learn if you are serious about teaching them manners. One is respect for their elders. Our society is so sadly lacking in this skill, you yourself might not be certain just exactly what it is or how to teach it.Don't ask if this is an unnecessary thing to be concerned about. All you have to do is look at all the graffiti adorning our walls and buildings to know that children are in desperate need of some teaching of respect for the elderly, for property, and for the lives of others.That is number one, and the second is related to it, that being a return to speaking to others with respect.Addressing women as madam or mam, and men as sir,and to their peers with their name, and not with racial slurs, or mean catcalls or vulgar or obscene words.If you would have a mannerly child, you would worry less about whether or not they will be likely to be involved in gang activity, or spend their lives in and out of jail. Manners are the happy way of relating to people and social situations, and if one knows what to do to avoid embarrassing or awkward situations, they don't act up...or out, in inappropriate ways when they are under pressure, or feel left out or misunderstood.
You may not know all there is to train your child to have lovely manners, but all you need to do is go to the public library, and check out a book by Emily Post, and you will have a good basic guideline, including how to introduce people, how to answer the phone, table manners and company manners. Besides all the obvious benefits already mentioned to giving your child or children this kind of training, it will also bring you closer, because it is necessary for you to know what good manners are, in order to teach them, so you may learn a thing or two, while you teach them to your children.Remember, in order to teach a child anything, you have to know more than the child. If you find that you need some help, don't be bashful, just call on the same source I called on, to raise a wonderful human being.I called on my boss, that Jewish carpenter I work for? Let me tell you, he has all the answers, and what he doesn't know, you can find out from his dad. Yeah, you know them...or at least, you know of them. My boss....Is Jesus, and his Dad? He's the big boss...He's God! But, you knew that, right?
OUI?
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