It is so important for parents to give guidance to their young children. I am a firm believer in that.But there comes a time when Mom and Dad should step back, and let their grown child make their own mistakes.From the very first job Yon son had, I had to have a hands off policy, which I have stayed with. It has turned out to be the best course. He does his own work, and I have nothing to say about where he works, or for whom, or for how much. My Tom and I gave him a very strong healthy work ethic, by example, and when he came to us and asked questions, we would answer him, but avoid telling him what to do.Likewise, his money is his own, to spend as he sees fit.So, when he began to spend his money foolishly, I bit my tongue,and he saw the folly of his ways, and made the decision to make it right.So now, he has been at his present job for a number of years, has the respect of his bosses and co-workers, and is responsible with his money. He pays his bills on time, and has finally paid off his student loan! Whew! That was a big one! But, that is past, thank God.But staying out of his business is so hard sometimes. Oh, I have avoided all the obvious pitfalls. I don't go to his place of business unless he absolutely insists. And those times, it was company parties, where he wanted to introduce me to his boss(s), and they have always been pleasant and glad to meet me, and a few times, they ended up offering me a job too, but unless it was just a temporary, please help us out sort of thing, I felt it best to decline.I have answered phones when all but one or two people were out of town on jobs, and I also did my stint as a metal polisher, for about a week , but beyond that, I felt it wasn't a good idea for me to be there, should any kind of problem arise, because I know myself. If my child is involved, I am going to want to take his side every time, and you can't have that in the work place. But I said all of that, to say this. The one relationship that I did not stay out of, so to speak, was the one between my son and his natural father. We were married very young.I was ready to settle down and have children, and do all the right things, but my husband was not. Between the time our son was born and the time we finally dissolved the marriage, I had learned who this man I married truly was, and the thought that he would have any hand in raising, shaping, molding and teaching my son made me dread the kind of man my child would turn out to be.Case in point, after the divorce, he came to visit when my son was just about to celebrate his fifth birthday...in about two weeks. His father had, without my knowledge, PROMISED him he would bring him a bicycle for his birthday.That little boy would stand on the front porch day after day, watching for his father to show up, and end up running to me in tears, afraid his Dad would let him down. I never said a word against his father, even though I knew the chances were good that he would not see his dad on his birthday, and I took steps to get that bicycle, if what I suspected turned out to be reality.Well, the big day came, and he had all his little friends in for a wonderful party, but his attention kept straying to the front porch, and guess who never showed, or called, or even sent a card? So, after the party, while he bathed to get dressed up to go to a Disney movie with me, under the watchful eye of his grandmother, I slipped away, to pick up that bicycle, and when that boy came down to greet me, all dressed up and ready to go, he found me standing beside a big shiny new purple bike, with streamers and a big red bow on the handlebars,complete with all the bells and whistles and reflectors, but no card. I decided to let him think what he liked, and I didn't mention his father. Throughout the day, he had been getting presents and he had thanked everyone for them, and attempted to look happy about them, but I could tell, his little heart was just about broken. But once he saw that bike, he lit up! His face wreathed in smiles, he jumped down the stairs,and ran to me, "Oh, Mommy!" he exclaimed, " Is this for me?" And even as I assured him, that it was indeed for him, a slight cloud came over his face,and one last time, he looked furtively, up and down the street, still, I think, hoping against hope that his father would pop out from behind a car or a bush,and yell surprise, but he didn't.Of course, nothing would do but he had to ride his new bike, his first two wheeler ever, up and down the street several times before we went off to the movie.From that day on, he no longer referred to his father as Daddy. I don't know where he got it, but from then on, he called him " captain dumb-dumb." And, from that day on, he could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times his father has contacted him, in almost thirty years.
And now, suddenly, this last August,yon son got a phone call on his birthday from his dad.They exchanged e-mail addresses, and for the first time in my recollection, Captain dumb-dumb actually said those words his son has wanted to hear all his life. He said, " I love you, son." We both got a little misty eyed, and I reserved comment. I so wanted this to be the beginnings of a wonderful relationship with his Dad. I never pushed either of them before, because I knew the kind of language my first husband used, no matter if children were in earshot or not, his ethics were questionable at best, and jokes were almost always off-color. Yet, now it is different. Yon son has his ethics and standards in place, and won't easily be swayed by whatever he hears or reads, and since August, his father has sent a steady stream of e-mails his way, filled with loving sentiment and language such as he used to use when he first made me fall in love with him.Clean, respectful, and above reproach.But, now, apparently, his father feels comfortable enough to let some of that facade crumble, just as he did with me, after we were married,and I was pregnant.Today, the Captain sent an e-mail with a joke in it that I dare say, Yon son won't find the least bit amusing. I opened it, innocently enough, after Yon son said, when he sends an e-mail, go ahead and look at it, I don't care.I have left all the e-mails in his inbox, for him to view when he is ready, and has time, and again, I haven't any intention of making any remark whatever.But, I think I know what his reaction will be.I have heard his opinion on racist,bigoted,prejudiced jokes. He doesn't think they are funny, and won't listen to them at work. Sooo, I think the Captain might have just shot himself in the foot. And it's too bad, that his father doesn't know him any better,because I think he just ruined what might have been a close relationship with his son,and that is just sad.
OUI?
Posted by: Phoenix | October 21, 2005 at 08:48 PM