PRIDE, UNFORGIVENESS,AND ANGER!

Well, it is I. My eye has opened, but only just enough to be able to be able to do the most basic things without running into walls, and such.Also, considering that my left eye is surrounded by a huge bruise, and is quite sore, I won't be doing a lot tonight.Long story short, I was startled awake Friday morning by the doorbell, and Yon son wasn't there to help me get out of bed, because he was held over to do "mopup", so in my haste to get out of bed, I didn't use the stand-up cane put by my bed to help me up, and put my bad leg out first,which naturally let me down, and then the cane retaliated for being ignored by jumping up into my face, put a gash about an inch below my eye,and smacked me a good one in my eye.  I saw stars!Got up, got into my chair and headed for the kitchen, but as I opened the kitchen door, I felt something warm running down my face. Until then I had no idea that I was hurt.I thought it was tears.I wiped at it with my fingers,and then looked, and it was not tears! By the time I got to the back door, there was enough blood so that Brad took one horrified look and said OMG!  What ensued was just about what you would expect, but it can't keep me down long. But enough about that.

I followed a referrer back,and someone was looking for a website that addressed Pride, unforgiveness and ager.I assume they meant ANGER, not ager.This is a triple threat to your life, happiness and joy of living. Pride leads to unforgiveness. Not forgiving fuels anger, and will eat at your spirit throughout your life. If this is your problem then you need to seriously consider this: being unforgiven does not harm the person you will not forgive.It harms you. I know whereof I speak. Without going into detail, I was once wronged. Oh, seriously wronged!But, I sucked it up, and went on with my life. I was a baby Christian, and I knew that I was to forgive, or I would not be forgiven, but it was hard to do. I prayed,and sought the emotion, but it just wasn't there, so for a little while, I " nursed a grudge". I did not say, what you have done is unforgivable! But then, for a while I felt perfectly justified in my thoughts and behavior, because no one had come to me and said, please forgive me. Then one day I was driving alone down the street, and came to a stop sign. I checked all three corners,and there was no one there,and I looked forward, preparing to drive on. That's when I spotted them, directly across from me, stumbling drunk, staggaring across the street in front of me. I gripped the wheel, and stared, as a terrible thought went through my mind. It was a wide, deserted street, and they were certainly taking their time crossing it. Pride said, look what they did to you! Anger said, All you have to do is hit the gas! You don't even have to swerve! Unforgiveness said, DO IT! They deserve it! It would be so easy! Temptation was strong! I clenched my teeth, broke out in a sweat and shook, as I watched them...they didn't even look in my direction. They didn't know I was there. I watched and waited. I didn't move until they were well onto the sidewalk. Still, I waited. I didn't move that car until I saw them get onto the bus, and then I drove slowly past, and went on home. That still small voice down in my soul told me many things after that occured. One, was that this could very well happen again, and I had to remove that temptation from my spirit. Another was that forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a decision. You can't wait until you feel all loving and forgiving, you must decide to forgive. Last of all, Vengence is the Lords provence. Not mine, not yours, not even the laws. So, after wrestling with this thing for a while, I forgave, and gave it all to God to take care of it, and believe me when I say, HE Took care of it for me. I did nothing, but they got their comeuppance and then some, Praise God.

I have to quit now. I have a date with an ice pack and a pain pill. Perhaps I shall do more later.But, it's nice to be back!

OUI?

Comments

[Phoenix]

Tina, I was mesmerized by this post. You cover a lot of ground in this one, but most compelling is your description of sitting in your car with the plethora of emotions swirling through your mind: pride; anger; temptation; unforgiveness..... just do it. You took me some place not too long ago when I felt those very same emotions. Good writing does that - transports the reader. And I found myself reliving, through your description of that scene, a time when my life was given over to those very emotions. I was held captive by them for a number of years to the point where I could not sleep and to where I lost sight of all the good I had in me. One summer evening I was sitting in my driveway talking with my neighbor - a wonderful woman whose husband is a preacher - the kind I like....down to earth and one who is not given to oratory or given to forgetting the realities of life beyond the Bible.. Linda knew all about my stuff and we talked and she sympathasized - as only women can- and finally she said I needed to forgive. She said it gently and did not press the issue. I was like you as you describe yourself before you realized forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a decision. I wanted blood. A lot of it. My life was ruined and I wanted vengeance more than anything. It consumed me to the point I was a shell that vibrated with hatred. Well, I thought about what she said. It was such a simple comment and in my state of mind, I had blown off similar offeratories from friends who cared; but for some reason, I kept thinking about Linda's suggestion of forgiveness. But I said these people don't deserve it! Vengeance ran white cold through me during those long days that metered out into years. I know I'm supposed to say I 'woke up' and forgave them and felt better, but I didn't. What I did was forgive myself. I had let my bitterness hold me captive, a victim to truly unforgivable behavior; and I realized that if I were to survive, I had to forgive myself all the anguish and pain these people had caused in my life. I was the one who had let my spirit die; I was the one who was soulless as a result of the actions of other people. I was the ONLY one who could pull myself up and out of the squalor of allowing others to fetter me as a victim of their actions. So, I forgave myself. I will never get over the betrayal. I know that. And I will never forgive them. I know that. But I am no longer held by that refusal to forgive. Yes, it tugs at me sometimes, but what I did was make a decision to move on. Would I 'hit the gas' if I had the chance? Yes. But I am very inspired by your words that vengeance is the Lord's provenance. I am not really sure what happened to you - whether or not it was done with malice. Those who destroyed me did it with malice. (Or better said - in looking to cover their butts) So, while I take solace and much appreciation for the time it took you to write about your epiphany, I might just jump on the chance to kick some ass. Maybe I could save the Lord some trouble. Anyway, you certainly did the right thing. For me, forgiveness had to be self-imposed first in order for me to move on. But it festers in me yet as an emotion that I fear will follow me to my grave. Maybe I didn't forgive myself enough.

[David Johnson]

Some friends told me about this site, and now i'm glad they told me about it.